Waiting....Waiting....still waiting....

Why does it seem to be taking FOREVER for Sept to get here... Everyday seems to drag and drag... I think I am actually going crazy from waiting...(well okay, craizer)

I am trying to look at the positives...at least I have time to lose as much weight as possible so no one even knows who I am when we get home...That would be great! I cant wait for that fleeting thought from those who are waiting for us at the airport..."who is that girl with Jack, he must have gotten a new girlfriend" ha ha ha.... (not gonna happen) its just a good thought...

And the second positive is that we have plenty of time to work on that wonderful virture of patience.... hummmm.... its not going so great...

On top of that, I still have been having trouble sleeping...Between that movie of all of the things that I have to do, need to do, want to do, and dont want to do rolling around in my head. I also have RLS to deal with! I hate going to bed, I actually dread walking into the bedroom to lay down... Could have something to do with the fact that our bed is crap! Between the crappy, used, sagging matress the company has in our house and refuse to replace, our bed frame is broken and they wont fix it!!! Hate this cheap-ass company... Wish I could just destroy every piece of furniature in this entire apartment before we left, but there is that darn voice in my head that gets to me every time!!!

I just wish i could go to sleep and wake up in September... Isnt there a song about that???

No Sleepy for you....

I was so freakin tired at around 7:30 this evening, don't actually know why, but was exhausted... so I figure tonight will be a great sleeping night, drift fast off, no tossy-turny, no biting my teeth, no movie or tunes playing in my head... but alas... no such luck...

As soon as I freakin lay down that freakin movie starts going, this time its my grocery list for tomorrow, what I am gonna do when I finally get home, (which is like 3 months away) why the FREK am I thinking about that crap now!

So after the tossy-turny, teeth gnashing, rollie-pollie dance, I have layed there so long I now have to pee, go to the bathroom and am WIDE FREKIN AWAKE! FREK FREK FREK!!!!

So I just downed a excedrin pm for my teeth gnashing induced headache, and hoping it will kick in soon so I can go all drowsie, the only bad thing about that is its now 12 midnight and I have to be up at 7 to catch my only ride off this crap compound and out of the house to make it to the store to once again start that grocery list! FREK!

Running...

How is it that I can run for 1.5 miles for three days in a row, along with doing P90X and GAIN a pound and a half????

For those of you who don't know P90X is a KILLER workout every day, has anyone does the plyo??? BeeGeeBees!!! It's tough...

On a better note I have lost 20 lbs so far, hoping to lose another 30 by Sept, that way my fat butt can fit in the airplane seat without that half-a-second thought as soon as I sit down of "oh crap it's gonna be embarrassing to ask for the extension for the seat belt!!!" I have never actually had to ask for one, but at times I have wondered if I was gonna have to... scary.... The other thought is when you go to check in at the airport I have heard of scary stories of the airlines making you pay for an extra seat for your fat!!! I have had that fleeting thought as well... ha ha ha...

So anyway, hoping my ass is small enough for ONE airplane seat this time around! ha ha ha ha...

At least I can still joke about it...

Status...On hold

I have not blogged because I did not really know what to say.... We were worried about company issues and my visa status in this country, but we have not heard a thing from anyone, so I guess its all good. My tests came back as positive for Hep B... I have no idea where it came from, had to have been from a dirty needle or another procedure done at the hospital. Of course there is no way to "prove" that and no lawyers here anyway to discuss a lawsuit. We have decided to put the baby-making things on hold for now... for several reasons. We know that Jack has been exposed and we are thinking (hoping) he has immunity due to vaccinations that he has recieved before but we are not sure. I think I would be able to go ahead and have a healthy baby if they recieved the vaccinations at birth, but I really just dont want to go back to the hospitals here for any reason... (for obvious reasons)

I know that this kind of stuff can happen anywhere, accidents happen, but I just dont feel safe there anymore, because if it was just carelessness and not a "real" accident then who knows what else they are "careless" about...

So we are just kind of on hold I guess, with everything. I just cant wait to get back to the states for a vacation...for good. I think I just need a break from this place, I am mad "at them" all the time, but cant really put my finger on who "them" is...

I dont understand how this could happen to us. I think we are pretty good parents to Hunter, I dont by any means think that I am the best, far from it, need improvement every single day on something but I tend to think that is how many or all parents feel. So I just dont understand how people who are 15, or using drugs, or beat their kids, or in some other way are immature can have as many children as they want, and here we are struggling with something that comes so easily to others... On top of infertility I have to become sick as well... I dont get it...

On hold...

It looks like we will have to put fertility on hold for a couple of months, at least. I had a physical done for life insurance and my liver enzymes came back extremely elevated. Since i have immunity to Hep A, that leaves B or C. (scary thought!). I have been feeling really bad lately, fatigued, hot flashes, nausea, headache, but i chalked it all up to the hormones for fertility. Obviously i was wrong. We should find out tonight what caused the elevated liver enzymes, we shall see what the problem is as to whether we can go on with fertility. I have read though that the chances are high of a baby being born to a mother with hep B or C they will contract it as well. Another scary thought is that infants who contract it will most likely devlope chronic hepitits due to the virus. Thats not good... maybe we will not be able to do it at all, which is what i am trying to keep out of my thoughts! I dont want to go there...

sick...

The past two days have not been very good. I think I caught a virus of some kind, thankfully it only lasted 24 hours. At first I thought it was the meds, but pretty sure now it was a bug. I have been able to keep food down the last two days, but nothing really sounds good at all. So its hard to figure out what to cook for dinner or even what to eat for breakfast and lunch...

I finished my clomid yesterday, went to the doctor, and I have three follicles that measure about 13mm each. I am thinking there were actually three on the right and two on the left, but she just measured three of them.

We will not be doing injections this month, just gonna use the clomid and hopefully i will ovulate on time this month and everything will work out.

Other than that, my stomach feels very tight, as the follicles grow I can start to feel my ovaries. They feel like little tennis balls on each side of my abdomen. Its strange....

So we shall see what the 14th brings our way!

Another month...another choice

So I saw the doctor last night. I was nervous, scared, dreaded going in to tell her that we were not gonna be able to do the injections this month. I was scared that she would yell at me for some reason, which is stupid because she is the nicest lady. Anyway, she seemed genuinely concerned and disappointed for me that my menses came... no prego...

She immediately started talking over with us in detail about what we do from here. She recommends laproscopy on my ovaries to remove or "clean up" the lining of them. The walls of my ovaries are very thick, and i do have several small old cycsts around the lining of the ovaries which makes ovulation hard. The eggs have a very hard time growing properly and then rupturing out of the ovary when they are this way. So the doctor said from her experience this would be a good alternative for me, along with fertility meds so increase our chances of having a healthy egg for fertilization.

She is going to contact the insurance company to see if they will approve the surgery for other reasons (not associated with infertility), we are keeping our fingers crossed that they do.

She started me on clomid again, the max dose, for 5 days. They give me a bit of a headache, but no where near as bad as last month. I get hot very quickly and sweat alot, but other than that not very many side effects. I continue taking metformin, folic acid, multi-vit, and another hormone I only take twice a week to decrease my prolactin (hormone which produces milk or lactation) which can keep you from getting prego...

I feel like a pharmacy, and I really have to keep on top of myself to take them all at the proper time. I am horrible at remembering, and even worse I will take it and forget if I have or not. I need a pil box I guess.

Anyway, I really did get quite a bit of relief from our visit to the doctor. She really makes me feel comfortable like she knows exactly what she is doing, and voices my concerns before i have even asked her... So she really seems to be in tune with what I need. Great! Its all falling into place, we shall see where it takes us.